One day

One day, my mom and I went to Home Depot before Sam's volleyball game to copy some keys.  We approached the check out counter manned by a thin, older but stately lady who became one of my favorite people at the end of our short exchange.  I felt that she was tired, not in a careless way, but a sort of weariness that comes from the weighty burdens and concerns of daily life.  We started talking and she said "I've helped you folks before.  Yes, I remember you."  She then told us that her day had been good, but her morning not so much, not hesitating to share that she had talked to God to ask Him to help her receive motivation and self-control.  The wry smile and shake of her head as she related her inner struggle and relationship with God made me feel like I was talking with an old, well known friend who knew God well and loved Him, though perhaps wanted Him to do things a little differently in her life than He was.  She was so genuine and warm with us, virtually strangers--who would probably not see her again in the near future.  I felt entrusted with a treasure, a knowledge of this woman and of something so wonderfully personal as her relationship with God; a treasure freely given by her and also by Him.

My heart brimmed and flowed over as we walked out of the store.  People.  I love the diversity among us and the common ties of being human that connect us.  I hope I can be more like this woman--giving and kind and a friend right from the start.  Sometimes I feel so conscious of myself that any opening up to others would be simply be too much for my frail self to handle, like I would melt into some puddle of indistinguishable mess.  Even now, writing this to let you, dear reader, (anonymous and ambiguous as you may be) know something that touched me, I can feel my color rising, along with my pulse.  But its not all about me.  I feel like its in sharing about ourselves, we can connect with one another.  Like this lady from Home Depot, we invite others into our lives, and not just by opening the door slightly, peering at whoever is outside and making terse conversation to figure out if they are worth talking to or if they will accept us.  Nope.  That is not how my friend from Home Depot greeted me.  She opened the door wide, pulled me into an embrace I thought was reserved for kindred, and wove herself into the fibers of my heart, there to be fondly remembered and looked up to.  She wasn't thinking about herself or about my reaction.  She simply shared.  In such inhibiting sharing, I'll admit that she stunned me a little bit, but it was gradual and and even welcome, rather than repulsive or anxiety instigating.

I learned a lesson that day.  The joy and disarming power of sharing one's self, of wearing ones' heart on their sleeve if you will.  Not that it is something to be manipulated or used to one's advantage; indeed, such calculation would erase the quiet power of sharing.  Nor is it to be taken too far and let all boundaries of propriety be crossed in the name of giving one's self without reserve.  I think at its best, it is being without guile, being honest, pure, and true.  Wise, but harmless.  I want to be like that more.  Without reservation, but with a healthy dose of discernment,  gladly swinging open the door to those who come knocking.

Light and Water

These are two of my favorite things on this planet.  So vital to our life, so ordinary and simple and constant, yet so beautiful and enriching and just so good.  I just realized the other day how connected they are; that is, how intertwined they are in our language.  The way we describe light is usually in images that involve water.  Bathe.  Filter.  Reflect.  Stream.  Pour.  Flood.  Seep.  And I imagine that other words for water would work just as splendidly with light.  Words like trickle, bubble, and others that just sort of slip from my attention right now.  So cool.

Oh and also, I failed to complete the haiku group by leaving out winter.  My apologies.  I do love winter, with its crispness, clarity, and cold that coaxes us outside to play and then eventually prods us race back home, eagerly anticipating warmth.  Somehow I feel like the constraints of a haiku may not fully express everything about you.  Anyhow.  Here's to you, winter.

Snowfall.  Quiet, still.
It envelops, yet sharpens,
Ladens every branch.

Poetry

So I just found out a little while ago that April is National Poetry Month.  How cool is that?!  A whole month celebrating this creative outlet of words in various forms, all laden with meaning and feeling and goodness.  In honor of that, I decided to share a few poems that I have been working on--they are not finished exactly, but I'm working on them.  Yet part of me feels like it may be a while before that work is finished; a joy and burden of wrestling with words.

Bright, vibrant spring green,

a promise of abundance.  

If but well tended.  

Raindrops on branches, 

suspended, glisten like pearls. 

Nature's adornment.

Autumn leaves descend,

Crimson, orange, yellow, brown. 

Change made beautiful.

Words.  Feelings, 

hopes tied up in letters.  

A soft fawn colored paper wrapped package, 

unmarked but intriguing, waiting.   

Meaning as varied as the audience that reads them, 

opens them, writes them, shares them, 

cherishes them, loves them.  

Each package to each individual a different gift,

sometimes what is sent differs from what is received, 

but with that, 

a world of potential and value and richness, waiting.  

Broken Hearts

First, a disclaimer.  This IS NOT a rant about a breakup or anything of the mushy-gushy sort, a fact I feel I must clarify, partly because I feel like I always associated broken hearts with romance as though the phrase was patented by whatever pop singer happened to be the latest rage.  I shrugged off just about anything that referred to hearts being broken as something that didn't apply to me because I didn't intend to do any heart breaking or to experience it for myself.  But, after much reflection and stepping outside my shallow definition of a broken heart, I found that I have had a broken heart, many times, and from that have found a glorious ocean of wisdom and understanding and love.  And I just wanted to share a little bit about that.

Second, an apology.  I feel like here I spew my thoughts with intention to clean them up before presenting them to anyone, but they just sort of slip past that clean up phase more often than I would like to admit.  So my apologies if what is written here fails to make sense or end up as rambles rather than something worth reading.  Also, thank you, dear reader, for indulging such a long prologue.

I just finished reading a wonderful book by Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane.  While a children's book, I found it deep and moving, absolutely refreshing and much needed after some rather jagged literature that I had encountered earlier that week.  It follows a china rabbit who experiences several unexpected turnovers in his life and changes because of them and the people involved with them.  He learns to love, but not without heartbreak, and his story deepened my understanding of the phrase.  It may be considered juvenille, I feel like love is really a timeless, ageless theme, not limited to one age group.  DiCamillo begins with a quote from a poem called "The Testing-Tree" by Stanley Kunitz and I feel like today, it resonated with me. "The heart breaks and lives by breaking."  

My heart broke today.  I realized that it was time to change and while that was good and I knew it was coming and I was looking forward to it, being confronted by the reality of it--an actual time when I was expected in a place other than home and its surroundings--stunned me and I sort of reeled for a little bit.  That heartbreak didn't happen because I was rejected or spurned or was let go, it happened because my life as I knew it was changing.  I feel like change--at least for often stiff, inflexible me--invariably brings with it a break in me somewhere.  Yet, thats not a bad thing, really.  Yes, it means pain, ache, hurt.  But it is good to be broken.  It means that one can be restored and helped--if we seek it out and receive it.  I love scriptures that refer to broken hearts:

"And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, even as the Lamanites, because of their faith in me at the time of their conversion, were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and they knew it not.  3 Nephi 9:20

  "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; 
   and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."  Psalms 34:18

I think that life includes a lot of broken heart periods.  I hope that I can receive it, with the hope of becoming more wise and understanding and sensitive rather than recoil from it and become bitter about it.

How do you embrace having a broken heart?

Sick

This past week I was sick, dear reader.  I caught a bug of some kind that gave me 4 days of wiped out, feverish, achy, I-break-a-sweat-when-I walk-more-than-20-steps-though-mentally-perfectly-sound-and-thus-feeling-stir-crazy time.  Yet the whole experience has been really clarifying for me as I thought about how I was not entirely well emotionally, mentally, or spiritually--not hugely malignant problems mind you, but I was ill or wounded and needed treatment just as badly as my physical body.  Those unseen issues were a little bit harder to find and take care of, though as I examined them I felt that I could see the poor effect that my incompleteness took on me.  I feel like I needed to experience weakness and recovery physically so that I could internalize and apply it to myself emotionally, mentally, and physically.  And while I still have a lot to learn, I think that I grasped some ideas that have translated to a better understanding of becoming whole.  

Recovery takes time.  I had things I thought I needed to or wanted to do and being sick just threw a wrench in my timetable.  For a little while I got frustrated, irked that I didn't have the ability to do what I felt was necessary, in the time that I wanted to accomplish it.  I focused on me--what I could not do, what I needed to do, and when I needed to do it--but soon grew weary of that approach because it zapped whatever energy I did have.  I realized what was expedient and what was not and felt better able to do what mattered and let go of whatever I was clinging to that didn't really actually hold much weight, all things considered.  Getting better was a really gradual process for me this time around, and I think that by having it drawn out and having a little bit of improvement each day helped me appreciate the improvement and savor it and rejoice in it.

You'll need to recover more than once.  While that recovery may not be for the same illness, our bodies encounter more than one sickness and we confront more than one type of challenge, weakness, or hardship in our lifetimes.  Thankfully, its natural to be sick and brought low multiple times--and it just leaves you stronger and more resilient for whatever lies ahead.  

Letting others know helps.  Others care about you and I feel like they really show it when you share with them that you are not well and in need of help.  They may not know exactly how to do so, but I feel like witnessing others' earnest desire to and efforts to help really made me feel secure and taken care of, even when I still felt really not well.

Being sick helps you appreciate being healthy all the more.  I have a lot more wonder and gratitude about my body and cells and rest and good food and a whole bunch of other things now that I have been restored to health.  Its pretty awesome the way that our body responds when we call upon it to exert or rest or do anything really.  And our mind and heart and spirit are the same way--responding to our choices and decisions to act, albeit a little harder to direct or guide than our physical body.

I feel like through being sick, I realized just how much of a gift being well is and how beautiful and good it is to be whole.  It is really a gift.

recovery |riˈkəvərē|

noun

1 a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength

2 the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost

Return

Hallo all.  So I returned from my mission in Tokyo Japan a little over a month ago and am transitioning to not being a full-time missionary.

Nakamoto san's baptism and Sister Crane 

Li Bing  

Dear friends in Koiwa

While the jet-lag has worn off, the suitcases have been mostly unpacked, photos and stories shared, homecoming talks given, and long-time-no-see people have been greeted, I feel like I'm still not really caught up with it all yet.  You know how when you return something to a store its assumed that the item has been unaltered and you are simply returning it as is, without anything changed?  I guess I thought that is what I would be doing as I ended my mission, but found instead that I had changed much during my mission (and I am SO grateful that I did) but the changes didn't fully manifest themselves until I came in contact full force with the environment that I had before I left.  And while those changes are amusing at times, sometimes I find myself bewildered, and just really uncertain.  Its like I expected to go back and found a one-way sign instead.

And rather than just taking it in stride and having an adventurous blast of things, I get hesitant, sweaty-palmed, and sick-stomached, tied up in knots about what to do next.  I panic, to put it simply, but I feel like I try to mask that panic with feeble smiles, comments to brush off concern, and brainstorm to the point of over thinking.  For it just wouldn't do to have others know that I didn't know exactly what I was doing.  Ha.

Fortunately, there is One who knows all this and waits patiently for me to come asking for help--or rather finally accepting and acting on His invitation to come.  I am glad that He doesn't change and will help anyone who seeks Him with questions of what to do in this one way life.  It is beautiful.  It reminds me of a poem that I have loved for a long time.  

" 'Come to the edge', He said. 
'We are afraid', we said 
'Come to the edge" He said. 
And we came. And He pushed us... 
And we flew."
Guillaume Apollinaire

OK then.  To the edge I can come.  It might take a while, but I know that I can trust Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd who calls His sheep by name.  This whole thing reminds me of something my mission president shared with us and made our mission scripture.  D&C 128:22 "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad."   Rather than turn back like I mistakenly thought I would-I am so glad to move forward with this one way life, seeking to have courage and love and joy.  Is it not good?  

Shortness.....

OK, so...err...like Ben says, I want to apologize for the shortness.  I read and enjoyed and was astonished and just really loved reading what you all had to say this week! 

This last Sunday we had stake conference and our stake president read a letter from his son who is serving in the Japan Fukuoka mission.  It went something like this: "dear family, I'm sorry, we've been really busy and I don't have a lot of time.  We had a miracle this week.  I'll write about it later.  I love you and sorry this is so short."  He then read another letter with more detail, but that is how I feel today.  Sorry! 

This week we had an amazing conference with Elder Whiting of the 70 and I feel more determined to seek revelation from the Lord so that I may teach with power from the Spirit.  Really, the Spirit is KEY to all that we do.  And I think that often times it is so quiet, unassuming, and gentle that I can miss it is I'm not paying attention.  We are entitled to revelation for ourselves and the people over whom we have been given stewardship.  WHOA.  That is a huge privilege and blessing. 

This week we have a mini zone conference in which we will receive training and i-Pads to assist in helping people progress towards baptism and hasten the work of salvation.  Join us next week to learn more about what that means--I'm excited to find out! 

I know that God is leading Minson shimai and I to people who are willing and ready to hear and receive the gospel.  We had a sister this week who told us that she couldn't meet with us on the day that she planned, but offered her entire days off schedule to us so we could meet.  I am grateful for the Lord's blessings and know that He is generously giving them to you, me, and all His children.

Much love!

Williams shimai 

Ask, & Invite.....Then Come the Miracles

These photos don't nearly compare to Ben's outpouring of pictures, but there's a bit of Narita statues (tiger for Sadie!) and also a new year tradition of calligraphy writing.  Its not the best, but its supposed to be the kanji for miracle.  :) 

This week flew by--as does much of our times these days!  I feel like I learned the importance of just opening one's mouth and having it filled.  We talked with people on the train, in their houses, on the street, and at different activities and found people to teach in each of those places.  One girl we met at the train station one evening, found her again the next day and invited her to church.  Then on Sunday, our Relief Society president surprised us by telling us that we had an investigator in the hallway.  Having no idea who it was, we quickly went upstairs and found our train station friend!  Seriously, ask and invite and then pray for help to see the miracles that the Lord has in store.  I know that the Lord is generous in His help and promises.  I know that He keeps His promises too!  It is really, really awesome. 

I thank you all for your love, support, and prayers.  I really feel them daily and am in awe of the strength that the Lord imparts to missionaries because of the prayers of so many faithful people.  I know that this is His work, that He is involved in it and will help each of us as we seek Him.  I know that He is willing and eager to help us especially as we ask Him specifically for that which we think we need; He will answer in the way that is best for us. 

I love you all so much--more than my companions love cake baked in the rice cooker (last week's experiment)!  May you have a joyful week! 

Williams shimai

I am happy and well and seeing miracles

My dear family,

How are you all doing?  As always, the time is drawing to a close this P-day.  Firs I want to tell you our transfer news--Nagamine shimai is going to Okinawa!  She is finishing her last transfer and thus will be returning home.  Hard to believe.  Nagamine shimai is an incredible missionary and I hope that I can become like her.  I am so grateful for her.  From the bottom of my heart.  Really.

As for the rest of us, Minson shimai and I are staying in Narita!  Jones shimai is too and she will be working with another Japanese companion named Miyama shimai.  Woot!  We will have 9 missionaries in our Narita ward--which consists of about 60 (maybe a little more) members.  Woah, right?

I am happy and well and seeing miracles.  I am trying to learn to not rely on myself or focus on what I know and don' t know, but rather rely on the Lord for strength and direction and help.  I am learning more and more that without Him, we can do nothing.  It is so true!  I am grateful for His graciousness and patience as He works with us.  One thing that I am learning more and more too is that He requires us to be humble and diligent and patient.  It is only when we are humble that we can experience and recognize His abundant help--and eagerness to help us do whatever it is that He asks of us. 

OK, a miracle of this week.  One of our investigators told us that she didn't really have faith in Christ and also didn't really like coming to church.  She was willing to come this last week for Nagamine shimai's last week, but still a little hesitant about it.  So Minson shimai and I determined to fast to ask for the Lord's help in helping her have a good experience at church and in our lesson following.  And she did!  Our Relief Society lesson was on Jesus Christ and she told us afterward that she had thought that Jesus Christ died for everyone for "us" but that Sunday was the first day that she had thought of Jesus Christ dying for her.  It is such a gift to hear that and bear testimony of His love and knowledge of each of us.  She also told us after that she is feeling more comfortable at church.  Gratitude! 

I know that God loves us and is able to help us in all things.  All things.  As we seek Him, He abundantly pours out His direction and love. 

I love you all so much! 

Williams shimai

PS--One more miracle from today.  We were walking back from the grocery store and started a conversation with a lady who happened to live just above us and had some interest in the church because she knew some members when her children were little.  She accepted a copy of the Book of Mormon and also an invitation to have us visit her.  SO AWESOME.  Open your mouth and it will be filled.  Really.  Be genuine, bold, and loving in asking people to hear God's plan for His children.  Unite your faith and prayers and experience the wonders that God will work.  I know that you are praying for me and I feel that.  Our stake is also doing a 40 fast for us and I know that it is because we are entreating the Lord that we are seeing miracles.  It is beautiful and astonishing!   

Learning, Loving, and Living

First, my apologies!  Every transfer we get to attend a session in the Tokyo temple and so our P-day changes to Tuesday instead of Monday the 6th week of the transfer.  I neglected to let you know that I would be emailing a day later and hope that the change didn`t case you any worry or distress.  :)  If it did, my apologies! 

In light of little time, I wanted to just do a quick catalouge of things that I have learned or relearned so far to give you all a recap of this week. 

1.  So I used to wonder why Ben`s emails seemed a little short and now I totally understand.  And hour and a half goes by so quickly my dear ones!  I just started and have yet to read your emails that I love every week.  Seriously, thank you so much for being such a supportive and kind family!  I know that my mission is a good experience in large part because of the prayers you offer and the love that you have--as expressed through words and actions.  I LOVE YOU!

2.  `Ask and ye shall receive` is a promise that we can count on anytime, all the time.  Anyone can count on it.  If we ask God sincerely and with real intent, He will kindly answer and direct us.  Minson shimai and I have been doing a fair bit of finding lately and we are learning how to improve daily.  We are getting more comfortable and bolder with our invitations to meet again and finding those who are willing to listen and learn.  This week we had a goal to give a copy of the Book of Mormon to someone and receive contact information from people.  When we were nearing the close of our planned streeting time, we still had yet to find someone who wanted to receive a Book of Mormon.  Minson shimai mentioned the fact and then the next person that we talked with listened and received a copy of the Book of Mormon when we offered it to her.  We have yet to set a next appointment with her, but I think that she has potential (as dangerous as that word is, my dear Mexico missionary brother, I think its OK to apply it in this situation.) 

3.  Layers are a blessing in cold weather.  Socks, tights, tights, clothes, scarf, coat, hat, pocket warmer things make one toasty camper. 

4.  Narita ward members are so wonderful.  We often find little bags of food or clothes left at our apartment and they are eager to help us in our missionary work. 

5.  I have such supportive friends and family.  Many thanks to you for your letters, packages, and goodness.  I draw on your examples and strength daily and so appreciate your outreach to me in letters and packages.  Seriously--they surprise me every time! 

6.  The Lord knows each of us personally and is so aware of our efforts to serve Him and become who He wants us to become.  Often times I am surprised when I find an answer to a question in the Book of Mormon or someone says something that I had directly prayed for or things connect in the scriptures that I hadn`t seen before.  It is beautiful.  I feel like I am benefiting from my mission more than any one else which sounds kind of arrogant, but its true.  I hope that I can work so that others can find this joy and strength that is available to all men everywhere.  

OK folks.  Thats all that I can do for now.  I hope you are each doing well, learning, loving, and living this wonderful life that is given to us.  I love you more than all the 7-11s in Japan (they are on almost every corner here its crazy!)

Much, much love,

Williams shimai 

Hello everyone!

I hope that you are doing wonderfully and enjoying this fresh start to a new year!  This past week was kind of a blur for me--we spent a lot of time with various members in the ward who wanted to help the missionaries celebrate the New Year.  We had a really interesting experience this week with a member whose daughter's boyfriend joined us for a meal.  He is an American stationed in the Marine base in Okinawa.  And we were able to share what we do as missionaries in English.  That was kind of different, but I felt like I learned that the gospel is for all people, not just one group or another--it is for all of God's children because He loves them. 

I love you all more than all the fish in the sea,

Williams shiami

Blast from the past photo.  More to come later!